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The First Pet Apocalypse

Updated: Apr 18, 2019

by Jeremy

Over the years of our working together Weblo and I shared some mini apocalypse experiences. From him emptying my wall locker every time I went to shower while we were deployed to him painting the walls and ceiling of his kennel with his shit without getting any on himself when I'd leave him alone or even eating my cell phone and sunglasses when I left him alone in my hotel room for 5 minutes. Yet I don't consider any of those mishaps the first Pet Apocalypse.

When I retired Weblo in 2012 I was recently separated from my now ex-wife and had just bought a new house to start out on my own again. I had my kids roughly half of the time and my ex-wife had insisted that I take our oldest daughter's Guinea Pig, Mr. Whiskers, with me when I moved. As far as rodents go Mr Whiskers was a good pet. He was docile, easily handled and just enjoyed hanging out and cuddling when he was out of his cage. We kept Mr Whiskers' cage on top of a 5 drawer chest in my daughter's room in order keep the kids from harassing Mr Whiskers without me being present. When Weblo came home with me I kept him kenneled when he was home alone for roughly the first few weeks to keep him from getting into trouble and acclimate to retired life. During that "probation period" there were some growing pains with Weblo learning that he couldn't have my full attention all of the time. This was especially apparent when the kids were staying with me. At first he was jealous and would grumble when my youngest daughter, who was a toddler, was around. Over time he learned to accept the kids and the jealousy subsided. After his initial adjustment period at home the time had finally come for Weblo to be given free reign of the house alone.

On this specific day I knew that I was only going to work for a few hours to either prep for an upcoming trip or recover from my most recent one. I don't remember which. Anyway, I knew I'd only be at work for a short time and Weblo had been retired for a few weeks so it was time to leave him home alone without adult supervision. Everything at work went as planned and I managed to make it home with just enough time to fix myself lunch, pick up a little bit and then pick up the kids from school. When I walked into the house from the garage I noticed two empty bread bags laying in the kitchen floor. My blood pressure rose a bit but figured that it was my fault for not taking the time to teach Weblo to not help himself to food left laying on the counter. After throwing away the empty bread bags I went upstairs figuring I would find Weblo passed out in my bed with a nice full belly of bread. As I came to the top of the stairs I noticed a pile of Weblo shit in the doorway to my youngest daughter's room. I walked into her room to assess the damage and discovered another pile of shit in the center of the room and Weblo piss all over the sides of my daughter's crib. My blood pressure rose some more but I knew that Weblo had some jealousy issues with my daughter and things like this were to be expected because he was an asshole. From my youngest daughter's room I decided to pop my head into my oldest daughter's room to make sure that Weblo didn't piss or shit in her room also. Fortunately I didn't find anymore remnants from Weblo's bowels or bladder. However, I did encounter the floor being covered in wood chips that had been spilled out of Mr Whiskers; cage as it was knocked off of the 5 drawer chest. At this point my blood pressure had finally gone through the roof and my vision expanded to beyond the nice "bread crumb" trail Weblo had left me throughout the house. I noticed bits of fur on the floor and stuck to the side of the 5 drawer chest. I followed the small trail of fur back into the hallway, like a good tracker chasing his quarry, and with my newly expanded vision spotted the blood splattered all over the walls. It looked like a fucking murder scene from one of those police shows on TV like CSI. The only place left to go was into my bedroom where I was greeted by Mr Whiskers in rigor mortis laying in the center of my bed and a smiling Weblo wagging his tail uncontrollably, happy to see me and proud of himself for ridding the house of the rodent menace.

I "gently" taught Weblo that he was not a good boy for protecting the house from this particular threat and then checked the time. I had about 20 minutes before I had to be at the school to pick up my kids. I managed to jump through my ass to clean up the crime scene so thoughtfully left behind by Weblo, get to the school on time, fabricate a story of Mr Whiskers suffering from a heart attack and pick up the kids. And so began PetApocalypse.

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